Yesterday while loading the car to head over to Tracey and Paul, I felt, as I do from time to time “heavy” in leg and body, I guessed what it was, but with the Apple Watch 6, pressing my on-screen heart icon, I knew for sure, I was in bradycardia, pulse 42, yeah that’s low. So yeah, you’ll feel “heavy.” Thanks, Apple Watch for confirming what I knew, but not how low, and no I did not get an alert, and so the saga begins.

Joel
3 min readApr 5, 2021

It should have beeped, haptic-ed me, vibrated, called my name… but nothing. This morning, sitting at my desk, in front of my 2016 MacBook Air, next to my 2020 iPadMini, with my iPhone12ProMax in my pocket, I noticed that messages were not being recognized on my watch, no sound, etc. So, I asked the all-powerful god Google, and tried all the standard fixes; check setting for notifications, turn on/off haptic, turn Bluetooth off and on, stand and sing Mary had a little lamb, blah, blah, blah. Nothing. I call Apple support and listen as the support person turns page after page in the “How to help this hapless fucker fix his watch,” manual.

After 37 minutes, yes 37, she says I need to get a Senior Tech on the line, I think, I am that fucking old? No, she meant experienced tech. He gets on the phone and says, “Sorry to hear you’re having problems with your iPhone 12ProMax.” What the fuck? No, it’s my Apple Watch 6. Pages being to turn, keys being loudly tapped, same suggestions, about half way through I ask, “Have you read her notes?” He thinks it’s a good idea and then says just re-pair your watch. I say, that takes about 30 min and wipes the watch. He says, no it keeps everything on the watch just re-pairs it. I do. It doesn’t. Then he asks, “What’s your zip code?” I ask what does that have to do with this issue? The answer. So I can find a repair location near you… I say thank so very much and hang-up.

Even after the re-pair, no luck, I reset the watch, pack it up and head to Best Buy to return it for a full refund, I’m under 14 days. A lovely checkout person doesn’t even ask why, just says, sure no problem. Five minutes later she says, “ Your refund won’t go through as your watch is still paired.” I show her the app, “See, not paired.” Senior tech time.

We walk over to the Geek Squad. A geek comes out and tells me you have to reset and re-pair your watch. I say, “ It’s been a long fucking morning, I did that already, I’m not doing it again.” Then as if by magic a guy, who deserves the title of Senior-Geek appears from behind the Geek Squad blue-wall of magic and say, “Log into iCloud and deselect find my watch,” I do and the refund processes.

What will I miss? The quick return of a message, the fast timer set up, the heart apps, the complicated but informative watch faces. I will not miss the “You have fallen and can’t get up app,” as it went off when I closed/slammed a door a bit too hard and the watch freaked out. I didn’t use it to tell me my REM sleep, or clock washing my hands, I set my daily health goals so low, the watch sent me a message (no notification) asking if I wanted the activate the “Why bother” setting and it does not sync with Bluetooth hearing device. So, fuck it.

--

--

Joel

Dad, photographer, poet, intense conversationalist, entrepreneur, New Yorker, martinis, jazz lover.