Joel’s Guide to Life During The Fucking Coronavirus

1-Thermometers-You should have two (I only have one) you can easily get them on eBay for only $49.95. formerly $9.99. Used but in good condition. Stay the fuck home.

2-Toilet Paper-my recommendation is to subscribe to several local newspapers and read them in the bathroom. Have scissors nearby. Stay the fuck home.

3-Paper towels. When and why did “towel’s” turn into paper? My entire life (yes not yours under 40-year old’s) we used something just called towel’s which were, now this will surprise you, made from cloth. Yes cloth. Use. Wash. Use again. Might be worth a try. Cheap dish towels on amazon. Stay the fuck home.

4-Food. You can still order cases of tuna on-line but now it’s delivered in April. Eat less. Or eat more. Depending on your state of mind. Forgive yourself the binge. Your weight? See #5. Stay the fuck home.

5-Exercise and weight gain (or loss due to no food) during lockdown or shelter in place. (Whenever I hear or read that I think of hiding under my bed, which is not a bad idea). If you saw an old post, me in my dress greens from 1968, I was overjoyed to be able to button the jacket. The upside of this nightmare is that I don’t weigh myself every morning which I did, yes, every morning. I walk passed the scale, my first thought, “Fuck I don’t care about my weight.” Now focused on “ I don’t have the fucking virus.” I still count the carbs in the cookies I eat every single morning with my coffee and lately oak milk, so that Susan can use the half-and-half and we don’t have to consider her traveling. to the store to buy half-and-half with a side of virus. Those of you who follow my Instagram, see my summer New York photos ( not going this year made that decision three weeks ago) I’ve been known to go out 37 or more nights in a row, jazz clubs, plays, bars etc. and all day in movies and C21. Even in Sarasota, I am out three nights, somethings more.

Now being “sheltered-in-place,” I don’t miss it at all. Similar to when I stopped eating meat, I just made the decision and never ate eat meat again. Okay, I do enjoy an occasional BLT, but over the last 45 years no hamburger has passed my lips. I certainly wouldn’t consider a steak as all that chewing takes away from my ability to talk, a lot. Hint: Play loud music dancing with your partner, kids, yourself for at least 30 minutes it will clear your head and you can get back to the couch for more Netflix. (I love dancing to Bob Marley, I’ve listened to Buffalo Soldier 17 times.) Not dancing to Miles Davis but listening. Stay the fuck home.

6-Hair color. If you don’t color your hair, or have any, you may skip this section. I can’t go to the salon. I ordered root color,(two weeks delivery) as I did back in the old days and hope I do not look like Eddie Munster, when I’m done. Although I will have the help of Susan, an artist to paint away my roots. I read a post on line with the suggestions to call your stylist (salons are still open in FL) and ask her/him to mix up some base, drive over, reach a gloved hand out the window and rush back home.(helpful hint: have a brush ready) Still deciding which way to go on that. She offered to do my hair wearing mask and gloves (I would as well) but I think I will pass. That is the hardest Virus-Life-Change I’ve experienced. (No one was harder, not being about to hug my daughter when she dropped off a gift and some needed vegetables) Stay the fuck home.

7-Keeping busy. Always a reader still a reader. Our routine of watching Netflix or Hulu or Showtime or HBO or BritBox or FX or Prime, every night while eating dinner has not changed. My mornings I get up early, going to bed at 11:30 or 12 am, usually out walking the dog by 730am,saying hello to people, across the mostly deserted street. Stay the fuck home. (unless toasted and walking on deserted streets)

8-Communication with others. Susan and I have begun doing Facebook live-videos of the usual Joel/Susan show and will continue to do that as those that view get a laugh and for us it is much needed therapy. PS we always do this while drinking martinis or wine or margaritas, or Sakitinis.

9-Watching the news. I’ve never “watched” the news. It’s never on TV. Ever. Not before this shit show, not now. I read the news. I read too much news. It’s all the same. I’ve looked at more graphs than I did in High School. I understand them just as well now as I did then. Which means, Kathleen, I don’t understand them at all. You will have to tutor me. Hint: All the news is totally, Unmitigating, relentless, depressing. Stop watching it. Stay inside and watch light hearted programs about serial killers. Avoid pandemic “anything” your living in it. You want to see what it looks like find a mirror. Stay the fuck home.

10-Keep a journal. Write down your feelings, even if it’s just a single line. Stay the fuck home. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Stay cool.